Upholding Your Child’s Rights
When I found myself in the “single-mom” status, I immediately thought of my son. He was not acknowledged by his father (both personally and legally). I could have just moved on and forgot about him. But I couldn’t accept the fact that my child was denied the right of having his father’s acknowledgment. I know that someday it will have an emotional effect on my son, and I don’t want to wait and see that happen. I had to take action. (Plus the fact that the father had the nerve to spread bad rumors about me–I really had to clear my name, but that’s another story).
So what do you do if your relationship did not work, but you are left with a child to raise? Here are your options:
Option 1: Talk to the father of your child
Iron things out. Are there acknowledgment issues? If the father signed the birth certificate, that is good. If he is willing to give regular support and spend quality time with his child–the better. The child deserves to have both his parents’ time, love and support. And you don’t have to be married to give him/her that. It’s hard, but it’s doable.
Sometimes talking with his family helps.
I tried doing this, but to no avail. All I got were insulting words, and his family was behind him all the way. His mind was closed and he was too obsessed with his career that he got rid of anything or anybody that “got in the way”. It could have saved us both a lot of time and effort, but since he thinks he’s tough and he’s right, I had no other choice but to follow Option 2.
Option 2: File a case
You may file a case with the civil court. It will depend on your situation–you just have to make sure you actually have the “right” to file a case (having extramarital affairs will lead to complications–you do not want to be in that situation). This process is stressful. You will need a lawyer, so you have to be prepared emotionally and financially. You need to show proof of your relationship with the father, in some cases, a DNA test is needed, and this is extremely expensive.
It will also depend on the father’s profession. An administrative case may be filed with the body governing a certain line of work, and any form of misconduct may result to the suspension of his license or a dishonorable dismissal from his profession if found guilty of abandoning his child. In the military, for example, administrative complaints and cases are lodged with the Provost Marshall. Complaints against licensed professionals in the Philippines may be filed with the Professional Regulation Commission.
I had to resort to this option, and after one year, the father finally talked to me to “patch things up”. The case has reached the stage where he may be dismissed from the service, so I guess he had no choice but to face the consequences of his actions. He signed the legal papers and I got what I wanted for my son–acknowledgment and support. I told him that if he wanted to be a father to his son, he would have to give more than just monetary support. His presence would be essential.
I have yet to see his sincerity. But I am at peace with my choice to fight for my child’s right.
A 27-year old single parent with a 2-year old son. Lisaflor lives with her Mama, whom she fondly calls her Angel on Earth. She is currently working full-time in a government agency, and teaching college students part-time. She is an Electrical Engineer who still dreams to become a Medical Doctor before she reaches the age of 50 to serve our countrymen in the rural areas as my retirement vocation. She calls her blog, The Real Me.
The challenges of my mothering in a foreign country
I speak from experience that raising kids in a foreign land is a tedious undertaking. I knew from the beginning that I would raise them differently because they had two origins. Therefore, they would have two different cultures, two or more languages, religions and everything that would go with it as a product of mixed marriages.Talking about culture, I believe that as a stay at home mother I play an important role in instilling good values and discipline while husband is at work. This does not necessarily mean that my French husband has nothing to do when it comes to disciplining our children. On the contrary, he is a big help as I couldn’t do it by myself alone. The father serves as a neutralizer when I am losing my patience. It is a matter of teach and learn relationship at home having diverse cultures. I will take this as an example; my husband does not agree that spanking is the solution to discipline our children not a part of their culture. For him the best punishment is to send them to their room and they cannot go out until they are called. This depends also on the gravity of what they did. Or they are not allowed to watch their favorite cartoons.
A Filipino couple who’s been living more than 20 years in France told me that in school, educators are teaching the children that once their parents lay their hands on them they should immediately call the police to report. As if we don’t know the distinction between outright violence and disciplinary measures. Generally speaking, we Filipinos have our own way and spanking is one of them as a form of discipline (according to research studies ). Honestly, the first thing I do is to talk to them diplomatically but sometimes it doesn’t resolve things–and the result is that they will do it again. Then scolding follows but children tend to disregard thinking that Mom loves me so she will not punish me and spanking doesn’t imply that we love them less. Now, comes Monsieur Palo (Mr. Spanky, as what my hubby calls it with an action of his hand raising). Spanking differs from beating a child. I know that we have all different strategies and tactics but personally spanking doesn’t mean physical aggression as long as we know the limits. We all know that there’s a BIG difference between physically aggressed and physically reprimanded! Now, tell me do you know anyone that haven’t been visited by Monsieur Palo ? I think we should just show them that we have the authority and be firm whatever punishment is necessary and they also have the right to reason out if needed!
Language, I am perplexed! My husband prefers that I talk to them in Tagalog but I prefer talking to them in English first because this is a big plus when they will start schooling. Since English is not a second language in France and at school they emphasizes more on European Languages (Italian, Spanish & German).
Just to reiterate, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like my mother language, of course I do! It’s just that I would like them to learn the international language as is it the easiest form of communication. I was telling him that I don’t think when you go to neighboring countries you could converse in Tagalog. While deciding what language to use we have encountered problem in the past with our son Sebastien, he talked very late. I don’t know why? Some says because he’s a boy and that boys are late speakers. Other says because he was confused what languages to use since there are three languages at stake. As a first time parent we didn’t know what to do, we were afraid. My husband (as an only child and inexperienced when it comes to kids) almost decided to ask help from a Pediatric Psychology. I myself by the way has 3 siblings and experienced when it comes children and telling him that it’s just normal that he will speak a bit late. We asked the pediatrician and we were advised to speak first in one language. When he’s able that would be the time to gradually introduce him to other languages. This is also to help him avoid stressing out while growing up. I think we were just very demanding at that time because we have seen children from mixed marriages who spoke two or more languages, we were impressed! After reflection, why do we put so much pressure on him? He is just a child. He is just starting to learn and he will all have the time for that. The reason why he started pre-schooling at 2 years and a half to learn how to socialize with other children of his age. Fortunately, we have good results he improved a lot. Having a second child is less difficult because our daughter has already an example. She looked up to his brother and we can call ourselves experienced parents. At present, our children speak French but we are now starting to communicate with them using basic English and some Tagalog words. I assure you children are like sponge. They could quickly and easily assimilate things around them.
Okay now we go to religion, so far we haven’t got any problems about this. It’s true that we are more religious and practitioners than of Europeans but this doesn’t signify that we are better Christian compared to them. Our goal for them is to become a better person and not turning them into some priests or saints. Moreover, I would like my daughter to call her brother Kuya or Ate including the children of my Filipino friends (addressing a an elder person with respect).
On the French part, I simply ask my children to call Tati, Tata, Tante for Aunties and Tonton, Oncle for- Uncles if they permit so. I have already explained to them that it is a part of my culture. As a respect, I will not insist my children if the frenchies prefers to be called by their first name because I have a great consideration in the French culture as it is their culture too. Being a parent of mixed nationalities we made guidelines to balance things at home. To help us improve as a parent of two wonderful children.
1. We see the good side of both cultures and try to merge them.
2. Learn and respect what are important from each culture and cultivate them.
3. Most especially no criticizing of each culture. It will not help. This will make the children confuse and later on take sides.
4. Punish with a loving and forgiving heart. Stop over reacting when they make a mistake. Give them a chance to explain.
5. Do not get angry at the same time. To avoid the feeling of being unloved.
6. Do not forget to praise and congratulate them! This is important because they learn and gain confidence.
7. We start talking to them about racism. That people are not the same, colors, cultures, languages, religions, weather and vice versa. And that there is no perfect country!
8. Lastly, if you want them to talk other languages talk with your partner. Both should arrive on unanimous accord.
Hazel graduated with BA majoring in Mass Communication. Was once a member of theatre guild and Taekwondo Varsitarian during my college years. Joined political party to fight against tuition fee hikes and injustices. Loves traveling but has a transportation problem ever since. Fond of sports, playing volleyball is my first love but martial art is my true love & won several sports competition. Had 9 years work experience in the
Perspectives
Being an only child has its perks. I got to enjoy my parents’ full attention. I felt loved. I felt important.But being an only child has disadvantages too. I did not have siblings to play with whenever I liked to. That was my situation until my mother had my younger brother when I was twelve years old.Everything changed. Oh, I still felt important and loved but with a new addition in the family, the love we had has grown and multiplied.Being born and bred in a Protestant church on my mother’s side of the family and studying in a school run by the Roman Catholic Church (my father’s side of the family), I think I had the best of both worlds. I have learned to appreciate how different other people can be from me and my beliefs. I have learned to accept that I can either be easily discouraged or to stay steadfast in my faith. I have learned that people can have different faiths but can still live harmoniously.I have wanted to be writer. Having won several writing awards during high school convinced myself that I could be a good one. But I thought that such was not what I was destined to be.I decided to study Psychology, to better understand myself and other people, hoping to help others cope, hoping to be able to make a difference in the lives of other people. My father was not fully convinced I could be a good psychologist because I was too opinionated and not too friendly. My mother encouraged me to do what I thought worked well for me.Study Psychology I did. I have met wonderful people and learned a lot of things about human nature. I experienced working with special children in a summer camp I joined in my junior year in college. I continued until I spent three summers with these special children. It was easy for me to adjust with the situation, having been exposed to learning during camps in our church and meeting different people.I worked in a Human Resource department in a company that ran several restaurants after I graduated from college but I lasted only for just a month. Yes, a month! Boredom made me decide to go back to school. The laughter of children and their bright faces seemed to beckon me to follow my heart and I wanted to do just that.I enrolled in Guidance and Counseling in one of the top universities in the country but this was just a path that led me to where I am now. From that school, I was able to go to another premiere university where I have almost, but not quite, earned a graduate school degree in Special Education. I was studying while I was teaching preschool. At the same time, I met my future husband when I and some friends were renting an apartment unit in the compound where they lived.He is the perfect man for me, God-fearing, no vices and a good person. His father was a priest given dispensation, so that goes to show the differences in our faith.About me and my husband’s differences in our faith? We had a wonderful mixed marriage rites officiated by my husband’s cousin who is a priest.And the degree that I was aiming for? Alas, it was not meant to be for me. Short of two semesters to complete, I got pregnant with our first child and had to put my health and the baby’s health first and put the degree on hold, maybe until the baby, who is now called Trixie has grown. I had to tend to my growing family first while I gave myself time to grow in my profession. After six years, we had Julian. After a year and half, we had Tania. The degree was not completed but not completely forgotten.I am now a teacher–a special education teacher. I took up special education because I was challenged and wanted to make a difference, just as I have aimed earlier on. And about being a writer? I am so glad I can do both, be a special education teacher and a writer (in my blog) that can perhaps make a difference in the lives of other people.I hope I do. I really hope so.
Julie Custodio-Fuertes is wife to Brian and mother to three young children. She is a special education teacher and answers to Teacher Julie when called by her students and their parents. She writes about her life as a wife, a mother and her experiences as a teacher for children with special needs at teacherjulie.com.
Between Taking It Easy and Going For the Gold
Ever since my eldest daughter entered school, it has been my dilemma to whether take it easy on her or push her to do her very best and go for the gold. And by getting the gold, I meant figuratively and literally. Karerin ‘eka nga.
Knowing my daughter, I am fully aware that at her age (she’s 6) and personality (an Aries), there is not much pressure for her to get top awards. Her attitude is, “Good if she does, try again next time, if she doesn’t.â€
Now, here is when my different mommy personas collide. On one hand, I commend her for achieving things that I have not achieved when I was her age. On the other hand, I and most everyone else, see her full of potentials. I think it would be unfair if she doesn’t get all the assistance she needs to flourish even more.
Unlike the first two years of her schooling, I have not been able to monitor her studies this year. My reasons are more work-related rather than because of my quest to avoid pressuring her. Her studies have been between her and her teachers. My husband and I get into the picture only on weekends before exams. After all that’s been said and done, it’s SAYANG when she manages to reach only the lower levels of the academic ladder or competitions. At one point, some would say, it’s just fine because she has been studying and making it on her own. But for some, it’s “If she can do well on her own, she could have scaled greater heights had there been more support.â€
So now I take a stand, decisions have to be made. I am her mom, and it is my sworn and natural duties to assist her achieve her full potentials. And by the powers vested upon me, she has no other recourse but to obey. Or so I hope…
Five things in my mind to guide me guide her (and my other children) when it comes to giving one’s best shot:1. Be decisive. Would I want to let her take it easy and do things in her own sweet time or should I nudge more and instil in her the value of hard work to earn higher awards/ blessings? I believe that whatever my decision would be, I should stick to it to be more consistent with how we deal with her achievements or endeavours.2. Regain my personal discipline. From grade 1 to second year high school, I have been a very studious and orderly pupil, I was bordering on obsessive-compulsive behaviour. I learned to take it easy in junior high and let everything go in college. The results, I became a crammer and still am, professionally and domestically. In a way, the attitude has rubbed on my children. Sometimes, if I tell my daughter to review, she’ll reply that there is enough time in the morning because the exam is in the afternoon.3. Instilling the concept of time. At this age, I do not believe in asking, errr, commanding her to prioritize her studies. I would rather develop in her the understanding of doing things in their own time. I think it’s best to allocate time for every activity: playtime, TV time, study time, until it becomes a habit. She’s young and I want her to learn as much as to enjoy the what’s and how’s of the knowledge that she might discover. Maybe she can prioritize her play over her studies, just as long as she observes the time for each of these activities.4. Think of studying or practice as a game or an entertainment. That way, it won’t only be her who’ll enjoy it but me too. By following this, I think, I can find a balance between taking it easy and going for the gold.5. Lastly, explaining to her, in children’s terms, the cost and benefits of doing well in her studies and in whatever competitions that she may join. For example:“Anak, mag-aral kang mabuti para ma-first honor ka uli. Kasi pag na first ka, may discount ka sa tution fee. Pag may discount sa tuition fee, madadagdagan pambili natin ng Jollibee.”
How abut you moms, do you take it easy or do you motivate your kids to go for the gold?
Ami Dasig Salazar is a working mom in the Philippines’ social development world. She works with an NGO, spending time with the poor farming communities of Nueva Ecija. Her life is full of everyday stories courtesy of the people around her, especially her three young and vibrant kids and her wonderful hubby. Ami blogs at http://amids.wordpress.com.
PMN is Back
Yes, we are back! Pinoy Moms Network is back, and so with the other sub-domains of PMN, after a few months of hibernation, something to do with server, I heard. Let us not talk about technicalities. Let us talk about the joy of being mothers. Let’s talk about the many good things that affect our lives as mothers. Let’s share with each other our parenting styles, how we cope with the so many concerns that come our way, be they the concerns of first-time mothers, the wonderful experiences of toddlers, the continuing challenges of teenagers, and now, how we cope with the economic crunch. A new WELCOME, dear moms, a new beginning. Do keep your articles coming.
Daddy’s Girl
He left his family in 1979 to earn a living abroad. He never failed to send them letters and packages. But most of all, he never failed to be a father to his daughter and husband to his wife. When he comes home for a short break, he makes sure that everybody is happy. Some people tagged him as “Santa Clausâ€.
He wanted a son. He never gave up on this each time he comes home. He succeeded 10 years after his first child (daughter) was born.
He’s always been a good responsible head of the family. For 17 years of working abroad, he never failed to give the best that a father/husband could ever give his family. But life sometimes is unfair. After 17 years of service to a foreign land, he lost his job. He actually came on vacation and went back, but came home again just few weeks after when he left. Came home frustrated for he lost his job. He has a son on his 6th grade, a daughter who was on her 4th year in college, and a wife to support as what he had promised when they got married. But how when he is jobless. He had sold all his jewelries including his wife’s. Tried his level best to find another job but this time, he failed. On the other hand, he was lucky to have a daughter who had carried the load during those times. His daughter did all her best to support the needs of the whole family. She stopped from schooling and never gave up on them, for she knows that her father did all his best for them too and even sacrificed every single and important occasions in the family.
There was a time when he was ill. His daughter was earning 4K a month and had to pay all the expenses. No matter how the daughter encourages the father to see a doctor, the father would say no. He doesn’t want to be another burden financially speaking. But the daughter did not give up convincing him. She took her for a therapy. He got well, not so well but good enough to face the day again.
Until his daughter got the chance of putting up a small sari-sari store just for them to survive. She worked hard for them. For her father basically who she thinks was their “hero†for the past years. And for that, her father focused on the store. He would stay there 24/7 for he was afraid to miss a single Peso against a stick of cigarette or say a candy.
God is good. His daughter was blessed to work abroad. Life became a little lighter for them. But he never stopped working for them too. In spite of the monthly remittance that the daughter was sending, he wouldn’t depend on that.
His daughter finally had her first vacation. Spent her 30 days together with the family. A friend of hers was a Dakki (Cartoon Character Pillows) dealer. She visited home to sell at least a pillow or two. But the daughter refused, finding the prices too costly. That time her father was there watching them.
30 days got over. It’s time to go again. A day before the daughter left, she was packing her things in the living room when suddenly someone has thrown a pink Hello Kitty pillow to her suitcase. It was her father! He bought it, for her daughter! She was welled into tears. Speechless! Finally, her father said something “Nakita kita tinitingnan mo yung catalogue, sabi ng kaibigan mo, gusto mo daw yung Hello Kitty, kaya yan binili ko, yan man lang mapabaon ko sayo pagbalik mo dunâ€.
Until now, recalling those moments makes my heart melts…. Yes, my heart melts…. Because I am the daughter of the man who never gives up on life. Being a youngster back then, I never realized how hard it was for my father to work miles away from home. That was years ago…. until I found myself struggling overseas for the sake of the family. Everything came to a realization when I, myself, had experienced a not-so-good life in the Middle East. Many people think that abroad is glorious! Yes, money-making is easy but working hard for it isn’t. And at the end of the day, we spend it for our family, forgetting ourselves most of the time. I had experienced delayed salaries. Christmases alone. Ordinary birthdays. Self-cared illness. Harrassments. And some sort of bad experiences.
But as they say, after the rain the sun shines. Rewards come after the long struggles. I had finally known my purpose. I had learned the reasons why I should be in Bahrain. God had planned for it. I met my better half here. Just a year ago, we had received an ever priceless gift, our first bundle of joy. All that happened here in Bahrain. It’s no longer a strange land for me. This was where I made life and saved my family back home. And most of all this is where my “own†life started.
To sum it up, being an OFW isn’t always bad. So, never regret if you happen to be one of them! Coz I never did!
MITCH (Appointed as Parenting site’s Technical Support) > 31-year old proud ex-Overseas Filipina Worker-mom, happily married with a 2 year old daughter. I tried to strike a balance between the responsibilities of a wife and mom and the demands of my job in the Middle East. The need to sustain my immediate family back home brought me to work there 8 years ago. And I think I’ve found my reward when I met my betterhalf - Derrick, an Indian national who happened to be the man of my dreams, embraced his culture for the sake of love and our young daughter, whom I regard as “my everything“. She maintains a blog entitled When Silence Speaks. She spends some of her free time problogging and recently got hooked into digital scrapping.
TV and DVD Viewing for Kids : Dos and Don’ts.
Note: This post is not in any way encouraging parents to introduce TV and DVD viewing at a very young age.
Very few kids (and adults for that matter) escape from this inviting, colourful and informative (good and bad) world of visual media – the television. Even in the absence of such at home, sooner or later, kids will be exposed to this media, inevitably. I’m not a pro-television Mom but I’m not opposed to it either. I have fond memories of telly time with my whole family, screaming over a horror movie and hiding under one sole bed sheet. They’re all classified under my treasured moment box.
Of course, telly time should be consumed with moderation. It should be balanced with other activities such as sports or reading a book – and kids should be accompanied by parents. I have started watching DVDs with my toddler for her to be exposed to the English language early on in life. Though her concentration span to watch a cartoon movie is limited to 10-15 minutes at her age, it should be enough to familiarize her with basic English. I have tried several Disney grand classics and she loved all of them.
This summer, we visited an aquarium and thought about buying the Finding Nemo DVD to have a continuity of what she saw. As soon as we reached home, the whole family sat infront of the TV and watched the film together (we watched starting from the middle of the film, the objective of which was just to show our daughter the images of Nemo). She was so excited and concentrated in watching the movie because she saw them live and even retained the word moo. The next day, she was asking to watch moo again so I switched it on (now starting from the beginning of the film) and left her watch the movie alone.
We thought there was no danger, as we watched the film the day before. Wrong move! Five minutes later, my daughter was there crying and screaming because killer whale attacked Nemo’s father and ate his mother and siblings–an episode which we zapped the day before. That experience made me realize a lot of things. That my daughter, at 22 months old, could go beyond sounds and images when watching a film. She could understand and feel the emotion of the story. That adults and kids see and interpret things differently. What for parents a normal plot could be perceived as a violent scenario by kids.Parental guidance is a must.
Dr Woolfson of BabyExpert recommends 10 ways to make TV/DVD viewing work for your baby:
1. Limit the amount he watches. Don’t just switch on the TV and leave it on, use your judgement in balancing viewing time with other activities.
2. Don’t let her watch rubbish. TV can open up your baby to a world of imagination and images, introducing new vocabulary and ideas, provided she watches high-quality programmes that are suited to her age group.
3. Watch TV with your baby. You should always stay with your baby while he watches TV to help develop learning skills. Talk about the programme, the images on screen and how they relate to your child’s everyday life.
4. Choose the right programmes. Shows suitable for your child’s age-range will be designed to enhance developmental skills in areas such as creative thinking, maths, sensory skills, language, social skills and creative play.
5. Watch the remote. Make sure you know what your baby or toddler is watching. It is amazing how quickly a nimble-fingered child can switch channels or put on a DVD when you’re not looking.
6. Real or imaginary? Make sure your toddler knows the difference between fact and fiction by talking about what you are watching and whether it is real or make-believe.
7. Discuss TV shows. Chat about the animals, children, songs and stories you have been watching, in the same way you would talk about things you have been doing, places you have visited and people you have met.
8. Note your child’s reaction. You will learn which programmes your baby likes and which do not grab her interest. If her attention wanders, it is time to switch off.
9. Use TV within a range of activities. Educational shows are most effective in enhancing your child’s development when used alongside other activities such as art, craft, physical or social play.
10. Use the off button. Responsible parents are not afraid to turn off the TV when they think their little one has had enough. Decide which programmes are allowed and for how long and stick to those limits.
PS: Finding Nemo is a really good movie which I will introduce again to my daughter when she’s older (I zap the early part of the film now when she requests for moo). There are good lessons to be learnt from this movie which is not yet adapted for my toddler’s age-range.
Analyse claims to be a doting mom to her little toddler despite juggling between a demanding work and an equally demanding motherhood. She prides herself with her daughter’s discoveries chronicled at Ma Crèche Privée which she shares with her family and friends all over the globe. She also blogs at my hide-away.
I Did It For Baby Love
“Who said that the word “discipline” only applies to children?”, that’s what I said to myself right after I took my lungs out of danger. I first experienced smoking back when I was employed in Makati. Colleagues’ influence. But I never blamed it on them, it was my own decision to ride on their vices. Until I reached Bahrain - the place where no one could monitor me but myself. It has become a habit–a daily habit.
Since Derrick, my husband was also a heavy smoker, he couldn’t stop me. Besides he thought that a person should not stop one from doing the same thing, it has to be your own decision to quit, if that’s what you really want to do. So it was like “if you can’t stop her, join him” sort of thing for us. I now confess. I smoked for 6 consecutive years like there was no tomorrow. My friends were telling me to stop. Can’t blame them, they were just concerned about my health. Many peopled dared. But no one among them succeeded, not even my parents who once caught me. No one, except for my little boss.
Two weeks before I learned I was pregnant, I had this feeling that I should stop. For what reason, I still didn’t know at that moment. Ten days after I missed my period, I had a self pregnancy test. Two strips appeared. That’s when I decided to quit, completely. Until this day, I’m proud to say that I am a successful “nicotine” quitter. “No” and “I can’t” are not the right words to use everytime you think about quitting. It takes courage and discipline to succeed. I did it because that’s what I’ve been wanting to do. I did it for myself. And most of all, I did it for baby love.
Mitch is a 31-year old OFW-mom, who has settled with her young family in the Kingdom of Bahrain, where she tries to strike a balance between the responsibilities of wife and mom and the demands of a job.The need to sustain her family back home brought her to work in the Middle East. She thinks she found her reward when she met the man of her dreams, an Indian national. She embraced his culture for the sake of love and their young daughter, whom she regards as “my everything.â€She blogs at : When Silence Speaks and Everything About Deye.
Dealing With Teenage Pregnancy
by Mommychi, from the USA
Teenage pregnancy is one of the serious situations a lot of parents are facing. According to statistics, three out of every 40 teenagers become pregnant before they reach the age of 20. Based on the research done by UNICEF Innocenti Research Center, the US alone has 494,357 births from women below twenty (Source: <a href=”http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/hea_tee_pre-health-teenage-pregnancy”>Nation Master</a>
I myself was a teenage mother once and based on experience, it wasn’t easy. While my peers were getting ready for their debutante party, I was having a baby. Parents wish and hope that their sons or daughters would have to go through the same path that I did. But it is the reality and parents have to deal with it.
Prevention
1. Parents should be open with their children when it comes to safe sex. Don’t let them be curious to find it out for themselves. Tell them the importance of using condoms. A lot of family planning centers give them away for free and most hospitals give out emergency contraceptives for those who had unprotected sex. My aunt has three daughters and when they moved to their dorms for college, it was difficult to watch over their affairs. So when my cousin Katie had a boyfriend, my aunt made the first move and convinced her to be on the pill. Now, my cousin was able to finish college, join the US Air Force and is now happily married.
2. Get to know their partners. Being able to trust your teenage kids’ boyfriend/girlfriend would give them more reasons to respect your children. Parents should know that the more you tell your children not to have any serious relationships, the more they hide things behind your back. Wouldn’t it be comfortable knowing that your children are with somebody you know?
3. Be open with your teenage children. I know it’s hard for parents to talk to their kids once their reach puberty. When my brother turned 13, he’d rather spend time with his friends rather than staying home with my mom. But parents should make the effort to take the time to talk. Ask them about school and what they’ve been up without being to evasive. Get to know the people they usually hang out with, convince them that your home is a safer place for them to have fun and just be aware for changes while respecting their privacy. Trust comes both ways so it wouldn’t hurt to tell your kids that you trust them but make sure to point out that all their decisions have consequences and that your know they’re smart enough to make the right one.
If It Happens, It Happens
Despite all the warnings and the preventions, it could still happen. So how should parents deal with it?
1. Be their support - If your teenage daughter or son told you that they’
re going to have a baby, tell them that you would stand by them no matter what. And despite the disappointment as a parent, you’ll be there to help them with what they need. Do not be the first person to throw judgment on them because they already know they made a mistake so rubbing it in would just create low self-esteem and bitterness. My parents were surely disappointment when they found out about my pregnancy, but they made sure to support me until I could help myself on my own.
2. Don’t rush into marriage - It’s common for parents to force their kids into marriage once a baby is involved. But the truth is, it wouldn’t solve the issue. Unless they (the teenage parents) are ready and are willing, only then should the parents talk about wedding plans. Marriage is a sacred vow only taken by couples who fully understand the lifetime commitment they would be entering. When I got pregnant, the last thing on my mind was to get married. Being a mother at 18 was already a big change in me so it would just make matters worse if I was to become a wife as well. Good thing, my parents gave me a choice. They asked me what my plans were and I told them that I wasn’t prepared to become a wife and a mother at the same time and that I was willing to wait. Unfortunately, Jenna’s father couldn’t wait. But it was a blessing because if not for my decision, I would not be able to move here in New York and I would not have met my husband.
3. Acceptance - Some parents would throw their kids out of the house if they got pregnant at 18. Sad to say, a lot of parents could not accept the truth and would tend to deny any obligations on their part. But who else would these kids turn to? As parents, shouldn’t we be the ones responsible for our children’s safety even if they let us down? I’m sure all the hidden anger would wash away the moment you see the baby. That’s what my mom said when she first laid eyes on Jenna, that she made the right decision not to push me away when I got pregnant.
I am not advocating teenage pregnancy. God forbid, I wouldn’t want my children to go through the same experience I did. It is not a fad nor is it something to be kept a secret. All I’m saying is that teenage pregnancy is a reality that should be taken with an open mind and with no judgments. A baby is always a blessing and chances are this baby might change a teenager life for the better. My daughter did and I’m happy to have parents who made me feel blessed to become Jenna’s mom.
Mommychi is 25 years old, currently living in New York. She was a single mother to Jenna up until she married her college best friend Glenn. Their long-distance relationship seemed pretty surreal but they have managed to make things work. Just recently they welcomed son, Gavin. Mommychi is loving every moment of being a mom, a wife and life itself which she frequently blogs at Renewed Soul.
Family Code Of Behaviour
by Mayi Lopa
We parents hope to bring up respectable, good natured, well-disciplined children in the society. When children exhibit bad behavior the parents are judged as weak in disciplining, too lenient, some people say.
I believe in controlling children’s behavior early on in his/her life. Let me share a few tips from KidsHealth on how to put a head start in your child’s conduct.
At the ages of 0-2: Children at this age are curious. They will touch anything in site. If they touch anything that can hurt them, calmly say “no†and take them away. Tantrums like throwing should not be tolerated. You can begin to introduce a “time out area†and leave them there for a minute or 2 and not longer. No spanking.
Ages 3-5: Do not underestimate the level of comprehension at these ages. They can understand right from wrong and doing the wrong thing leads to consequences. You may set up rules at this stage and still have a designated “time out area†which is free from distractions like TV etc.
Ages 6-8: Having already established rules at an early age, the child already knows the consequences of his/her bad action. The key is consistency. You have to live up to the punishments you have set. You may cut the child some slack but emphasize you are the boss.
Ages 9-12: Here children.
In disciplining your child, remember to be consistent with your rules. Let the child know “I am the boss and if you go against my rules there will be consequencesâ€. It is not so much of creating fear of you but recognizing you as the authority. It is imperative that both parents agree and apply the rules.
Spanking is not recommended. It teaches kids that it is okay to hit a person he/she is angry at. Spanking can hurt the child and will make him afraid of you. This is not the “healthy†kind of fear. The child must be able to approach the parent.
Avoid recognizing only the bad behavior. We have the tendency to notice the negative side often and forget to pay tribute to the good side. Credit the child for a job well done.
A hug, kiss, pat on the back, an arm around the shoulder are examples of physical affections we parents can do everyday. Let them feel our love. Let them know we will always stand by them and no matter what wrong thing they do they will have us to cling on to. This is what we signed up for when we decided to have children. We can help mold them into becoming good individuals but we need to start early.
On a personal note, I never spanked my children but at the age of 1.5 or 2 years old they were introduced to the “corner†and I would make them face the wall for 2 minutes. If I see that they are not taking the punishment seriously, I close the door of that bedroom. They would cry maybe thinking I left them. If only they knew I was just outside also crying. It was difficult but it worked for us. I can proudly say they have not stood on that corner for a long time and I have a wonderful relationship with my 2 boys.
Mayi calls herself a wife an
